January 2003

Last month I had the wonderful opportunity to work with foster care professionals and parents in Georgia through the wonders of simulcast presentations to multiple sites throughout the state. The technology was a bit daunting at first but I eventually got in the groove and had fine time especially with the live audiences in Atlanta.

I have the most profound respect for foster care agencies and especially the good people that bravely commit to care for and raise children whose birth parents are unable or unwilling to give proper care and love to their children. No matter how wonderful and well- meaning foster parents may be they are caring for children who have been deeply wounded. Those wounds do not disappear just because someone now cares and wants to protect them. I speak about the legacy of abuse and trauma in my first book Good Kids, Difficult Behavior. It may be helpful to read to you to read more about how childhood trauma affects the behavior and thinking processes of children and adolescents.

Working with this group of people reminded me that most foster children attend public school and most struggle with the learning process and behavior issues. I want to share some thoughts and suggestions about working with these children in the school setting.

1.       Children who have experienced severe trauma and loss are much more emotionally fragile than children who have not.

2.       They feel frightened and threatened quite readily, even when no real threat exists.

3.       They will go into automatic self-defense the second they feel anxious or threatened.

4.       Some defend themselves by shutting down or freezing up or “digging in” and maintaining an oppositional stance regardless of the negative consequences they may face.

5.       Some defend themselves by “going ballistic” or becoming threatening and aggressive.

6.       Dealing with this highly emotional and sometimes irrational behavior can be very frustrating because it does not seem to make sense.

7.       Punishment rarely changes the behavior of these children.

8.       These children will not cooperate or succeed in any environment that makes them feel unsafe.

With these facts in mind, here are a few suggestions for helping these students to function successfully in the school environment.

1.       Providing an emotionally safe environment for these youngsters is essential to gaining their trust and cooperation.  Do not tolerate other children picking on them in your presence.  

2.       Under no circumstances use a discipline strategy that causes the child to be embarrassed or humiliated.  IT WILL BACKFIRE!

3.       Be extremely careful of your tone of voice and body language when speaking to these children.  Use a low but firm tone of voice.  When you come across loud or threatening, you trigger a defensive reaction in the child, which will disable the part of their brains they need to THINK about what they are doing wrong and need to do different.

4.       With very small, primary age children use a nurturing tone of voice whenever possible.  It sends the message, “you are safe here, even if you can’t do certain things you want to do.”

5.       Keep your cool.   When you loose it, you send the message “I can’t control myself, much less you.”  These kids never feel safe with adults who are highly reactive and prone to temper outbursts.

6.       Be predictable.  This means you must stay even handed and even tempered in your communications and structure.  Young people feel safer with adults that can count on to behave in a predictable fashion even when they may not like some of the adult’s restrictions.

7.       Teach them a coping skill or stress management skill.  Punishment will not necessarily change behavior.  Giving kids ideas and strategies for coping with the stressors in their environment will help them learn new behavior.  (For examples and further explanation see Five Main Things:  Making Discipline Work)

8.       Any time you are frustrated with a child’s chronic misbehavior, try a changing your approach.  You CAN control your behavior even if you can’t control theirs.

9.       These kids are survivors.  They have great strengths.  Let them know that you can and do see the good in them even if their behavior is unacceptable.