October 2003

Question:
The most common questions I hear is “What do you do when a student flat out refuses to do what you have asked him/her to do? The student just says “No!!”

Answer:
Go with the resistance. A seriously defiant “No, I won’t do it.” is a student’s invitation to join with them in a power struggle. Always remember you will lose. The reason you will lose is because you cannot force a child to behave. See Good Kids, Difficult Behavior book, Principles for Dealing with Difficult Behavior. You may force the child out of the room or you may force the child out of the school altogether via suspension. You may even be able to make them sorry that they did not do what you want but you cannot force them to actually do it. I have known kids that you couldn’t force to do some things even with a gun. Therefore, it is much more effective to refuse to engage in a battle of wills. Consider another option which I call going with the resistance. Basically you give the child permission to do what he wants to do but in that moment and time you take him out of the defiance and into compliance. Here is how it may sound. 

T: Joseph, sit down and be quiet right now!

S: Ignores teacher.

T: Joseph, I said sit now!

S: No! I’m not.

T: Walk over to the student. Makes direct eye contact and says…. OK, just stand then.

S: Stop talking long enough to reconsider how he may best maintain his defiance since he has just been given permission to do what he wants. If he stands there as the teacher gave him permission to do, he will not have the opportunity to engage in a power struggle. Besides, he’ll look silly if he sits as requested. He may lose this round but he won’t look so silly or confused.

Try this the next time a students is openly defiant. Here’s an example: 

One principal asked a student to come sit by her desk and the small little third grader braced one hand on each entrance to the principal’s office, threw out hip and defiantly said “No”. The principal could have upped the ante by becoming threatening or angry but with a defiant child or teen this is like throwing fuel on their little fire. Next thing you know, you have a conflagration on your hands. I suggested to the principal that if such an incident were to recur, an effective response would be “OK, stand there and hold up that door.” Going with the resistance by giving permission to do the defiant behavior at the very least sends the message to the student, “I am not going to fight with you. Sometimes walking away immediately is a good idea. Then come back in a minute to the student and restate your request. “Now would you care to sit down?” Keep your goal in mind. The goal is to get the student to sit and be quiet. If your goal is to prove you’re the boss, then go into battle. For me, I don’t want to spend my limited energy proving I’m the boss. I just want to prove it by outsmarting the child and keeping my cool. Try this. It works!