Joyce Divinyi, MS, LPC  Author of

 "Good Kids, Difficult Behavior" and "Discipline Works: 5 Main Things" http://www.thehumanconnection.net   Volume 19 February 2004

Note from the Editor:

Dear Educators and Friends,

Things are really back in swing here. Everyone seems to have recovered from Winter Break, and is used to the normal routine once again. Hearts are showing up on the walls at school. Make sure to take time to create a valentine for someone special in your life! It will give you as much pleasure as it gives them!

Check out "Ask Joyce" below for her answer to a couple of educator's questions. What would you like to ask Joyce? See how to send in your own question below!   We look forward to hearing from you during this school year. Please let us know how it went if you try some of Joyce's suggestions. Joyce really wants to be a help to you.

Happy Valentine's Day!

Cathie @ The Human Connection

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As Joyce travels and works with educators all over the country, she is constantly being asked--- "What do you do when...?" questions.  She has the greatest respect for "what do you do when questions" because usually the questioner is genuinely seeking new information and the teacher is willing to be a student.  Each month, Joyce will answer one or more of the most common "what do you do questions".  Feel free to send one of yours.  She'll do her best to answer it.  Keep in mind, her answers may be different from the customary response but they are tried and true strategies for getting students to do what you are asking them to do.  Give yourself permission to try something new! Email Joyce at joyce@thehumanconnection.net  with any questions or situations you would like input on.  Let us know if we can show the question in a future newsletter or if you prefer to keep it private. We are hoping Joyce can help address situations you encounter and by sharing these questions/answers others can benefit as well.

Question:  This is the time of year when it is getting clearer and clearer which students just might not make it.

This is the point at which teachers try desperately to get parents to kick into gear and help support the learning process. Unfortunately many parents appear unable or unwilling to do this which gives rise to the following question. What do teachers do when parents won't respond to a teacher's plea for help?

Answer: The best technique that I have come across so far to get parents more involved with school activities is getting a small core group of parents who are able and willing to become parent mentors and support systems for less able or low functioning parents. I have seen schools in very deprived areas use this technique where core groups of parents are trained to call upon other parents with the goal of building a bridge between them and the school. The technique has been highly successful because the parent relationship is not as threatening as the educator to parent relationship. Sometimes a parent volunteer can become an excellent liaison between a teacher and another parent who is too intimidated to come into the school building. Parent teams need to be trained and sometimes taking a small gift with them like cookies or a loaf of bread can help build a bond.

It is important to remember that whenever a teacher is calling upon a parent for the purpose of getting that parent to do something about their child's lack of performance academically or inappropriate behavior, the automatic reaction of the parent is to become emotionally defended. In other words the parent is in the "E". Some times the teacher is in the "E" because they are feeling frustrated and a little defensive themselves. Remember this, no problem solving can take place unless both parties are using the cognitive centers of their brain. Everyone has to be in the "T". Therefore, the first important step in making parent contact is to be friendly and casual. Small talk may seem like a waste of time but it can be an investment. It gives the parents the message that you, the teacher, are not intending to criticize or lay blame. When you open the actual dialogue about the problems the child is experiencing, keep the focus on your concern about the feelings that the child will experience when and if they fail to keep pace with their peers. Success is a keystone of self-esteem. Parents need to know that you are concerned about the child's personhood as well as their academic progress. Of course, you understand that the two are tied together in that it is difficult to develop self-esteem when one is unsuccessful on a daily basis. Always, always be sure to mention the child's personal character strengths in any conversation you have with the parent. (See page 102-105 in Good Kids, Difficult Behavior).

Make sure that you have specific suggestions for what the parent could do that might be helpful. Many parents are clueless in this regard. If they knew what to do, they would be doing it. Most will need your guidance. Be specific. Ask them to do things like review their child's homework or make sure the homework is in the book bag in the morning or even just read to their child a few minutes at bedtime.
I think it is important to document all attempts to reach a parent. This data needs to be passed on to the county level personnel with the suggestion that it may be advisable to require parents to come to the school to pick up report cards. It might also be helpful to withhold the final report card and notification of passing or failing until they actually come to the school and claim it. This may mean that you have to extend the hours when parents can come outside the normal working day, but ultimately I believe school administrations are going to have to put a little more pressure on parents. We have no qualms about requiring certificates of birth and immunization. I think it is possible to have one or two other requirements. Requiring parents to come to the school to pick up grades may even be do-able without county level approval. Sometimes it is better to apologize for overstepping your bounds rather than to ask for permission.

Last but not least, after a call has been made or several calls and perhaps a visit to the door of the parent then the next step should be a certified letter so that there is some verification that this parent has been non-responsive. I would like to encourage more and more educators do this because it has become a problem all over the country and until there is some data associated with the issue, nothing will actually be done.

(See Tips for Teachers, Page 125-130, Good Kids, Difficult Behavior.)
 

Inspiration:

"Correction does much, but encouragement does more. Encouragement after censure is as the sun after a shower."  Goethe
 

Personal Energy Saver:

Let's face it, it is harder to keep up the pace and maintain our personal energy supply in the middle of winter. Not only that, some of you folks are having one heck of a winter. It has been cold and wet and dreary in Atlanta but I keep reminding myself, at least we don't have to scrape ice or shovel snow. Of course, there are all those snow lovers out there that are saying, "What is the problem with snow?" For me, seven years in Alaska was enough snow, especially for someone who grew up in Miami, Florida.

All that being said, how do we protect our energy supplies without the help of warmth and sunshine? First of all, and I know you aren't going to like to hear this, physical exercise is more important now than any other time of the year. Find where to get some.

My personal preference is a stationary bike or a treadmill because I can either read or watch television while I am doing my 30-minute workout. Lots of people prefer going to the gym either before or after work and if that works for you, great. If not, used gym equipment is inexpensive. I paid $35 for my stationary bike and rode it lots and lots of miles.

I don't recommend waiting until after work to do your workout. By then shear fatigue has set in and so do many more demands on your time. So even though you have heard me discuss the importance of sleep, I force myself to give up a little bit of sleep in the mornings in order to get the exercise I need. Truthfully, it will help you sleep better. Remember, just as I say in my book, "Good Kids, Difficult Behavior", give kids permission not to like it when they are required to do things they don't want to do. Same thing goes for getting adequate exercise. You don't have to like it. You do need to do it. There is one added benefit to daily exercise: the boost to your self-esteem. You just feel better about yourself when you are doing it.

Just For Fun:

      Teacher: Why are you standing on your head?

      Pupil: I'm just turning over things in my mind, sir!
                            (From schooljokes.com)

Editor's favorite link of the month

Check out the Venn Diagram site (http://www.venndiagram.com/). You can search for a ready-to-use Venn Diagram or create your own. It is so easy to use, and really saves time. This is considerably easier than my old method (generating circles and text boxes in Microsoft Publisher).

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Copyright 2004 The Human Connection